if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize