you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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