You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
