Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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