listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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