You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
