Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize