When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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