Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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