Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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