I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
