we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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