just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
