Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
