He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
