If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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