I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
