6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize