In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
