I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
