I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You're like the curious george of whores
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
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