I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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