I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
