if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
