That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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