I met the friendliest cop last night
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
