wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The best revenge is premature balding
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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