I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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