Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
