i just sent this text using only my big toe
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
