Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dicks are not precious.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
