I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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