I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
