I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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