My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
