1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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