Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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