i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
