"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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