very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
