I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
