In the future we'll all be gay
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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