I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
