Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
