i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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