Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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