My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
