i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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