I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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