I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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