she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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