I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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