Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
