You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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