I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
