I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
