You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
