booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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