Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
