Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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