Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
