it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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