I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
