I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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