My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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