fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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