I didn't shave. On purpose
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
