Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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